in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
