I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
