My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
