I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
