They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
They have beer where we have blood.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
