I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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