so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
