i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
where are you?
Hypothermia
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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