Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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