just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You ate ashes out of my bong
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
