An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
