I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
