I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize