got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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