I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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