i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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