There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
