Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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