I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
