um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
