so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
