Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
