I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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