When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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