I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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