he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
