I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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