my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
