Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
