I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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