I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
