My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
