if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
