everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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