why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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