I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
