I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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