Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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