He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
