This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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