We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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