woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
