I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
