Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
