dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
