I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
