he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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