So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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