I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
