Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize