I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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