I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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