My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
