Already got asked if we're dating
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
