If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
