I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
