if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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