I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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