it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need to get me chipped asap
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize